DEAR MAN is for asking for something or saying no when it matters and you’re likely to fumble it. It’s a script, unashamedly. The reason a script helps is that under interpersonal pressure most people either go vague and apologetic or go straight to the accusation, and both reliably fail. Having the sentences prepared removes the improvisation from the moment you’re least able to improvise.
The letters
Describe the situation in facts only. No interpretation, no adjectives with a verdict in them. “The last three times we made plans, they were cancelled the same day.” Not “you always bail.”
Express how you feel about it, using an I-statement and owning it as yours. “I feel like I am not a priority” — and note that this is a feeling, not a claim about their intentions.
Assert the ask. Say the actual thing. This is where almost everyone fails: three paragraphs of context and then no request, leaving the other person to guess. “I would like us to agree that plans get cancelled a day ahead unless something has genuinely come up.”
Reinforce — explain what is good about it for them. Not a threat dressed as a benefit; a genuine one. “I would stop being tense about weekends, which would make them better for both of us.”
Then the MAN half, which is about how you hold yourself while you do it. Stay Mindful: repeat the ask calmly if the conversation goes sideways — the broken record, which is more powerful than it sounds. Appear confident: voice steady, eye contact, no nervous laugh at the end that undoes the whole thing. Negotiate: know what you’ll accept, offer alternatives, ask them what they suggest.
Why that order
Facts first, because they’re the only part nobody can dispute. Feelings second, because once the facts are on the table your feeling reads as a response rather than as an attack. Ask third, because by then it is anchored in something. Reinforce last, because a benefit stated before the request sounds like manipulation and stated after sounds like an invitation. Lead with the feeling instead and you get a conversation about whether your feeling is fair, which isn’t the conversation you wanted.
Writing it down
Write it out beforehand. Every clinician who teaches this says so and roughly nobody does it. Four sentences on a note in your phone. The point isn’t to read from it — it’s that having composed them, you’ll find them when your heart rate is up.
Then decide before you start how hard you’re willing to push, from hinting to insisting. And decide what you’ll do if the answer is no, because DEAR MAN is a way of asking well, not a way of guaranteeing an outcome. Going in with the belief that a well-executed script obliges someone to say yes is how people end up more upset than before they asked.
The other two scripts
DEAR MAN is for the objective. When the relationship matters more than the outcome, lead with GIVE — gentle, interested, validating, easy manner. When your self-respect is what is at stake, FAST — fair, no apologies, stick to your values, be truthful. Most real conversations need a blend, and deciding which one is primary before you open your mouth is half of the whole module.